We at the Reader's Doglist enjoy a good drink! As any fool knows, we spare no expense to keep our devoted readership well-informed, well-advised, well-educated, well-dressed, well-nourished, well-behaved, well-spoken, well-off, well-read, well-well and well-wellied.

We will look after you from cradle to grave. From start to fimsh. From flan to 83.

Do you feel like a chump in the supermarket wine section? Don't know your Beau-Jolice from your Chi-Auntie? How about beer? Know what to order with confidence? Or are you the Lounge Bar Larry Lips who ends up drinking filth?

Well, help is at hand! We've commissioned none other than Eric Plötzlich, who has sniffed a few corks in his time, to offer guidance. Get your umlauts out, Eric!
Eric Plötzlich

Plötzlich's Pemtrilicious Plonks

Corks, screws, lumme, Bristol University! We're having quite a time on the vino front! Stride purposefully into your local supermarket. Bid everyone your cheeriest 'Mushroom Salad', and then get your gobs round some of these!

1983 Château de Barfe
Côtes de Gussage St. Michel, Conwil Elvet, France
Marvulous! The soil at the Barfe vineyards has been enriched by a secret formule over the years by vigneron M. Nicholas 'Nic' Naque giving his full-bodied reds a unique vegetabule aroma and a cheesy character on the fimsh. 'Nic's' years dedicated to personal excess and his belief in total recycling has delivered a product unchallenged by viticultural New Technology or indeed any old New Technology.
Availabule from the following high quality stores :- Aeropus, Abdul Al-Haaqqq and Volley Lumps (£2.83 including real glass bottle!)

2002 Domestoss
Regional Muddy Brown Wine of Fthiotis & Phokis, Constantin Moussaka & Mrs. Pouch Winery, Hellasisapoppinossnorkelou, Greece
Greek wine is renowned for its surprising properties and this 2002 Domestoss is no exception! An unfiltered wine, it has the colour and consistency of the contents of a newly flushed ear canal. Swirl it around your mouth and coat your taste buds with this fearsome brew. You may need to floss your teeth - but you can save time by doing this later when on the lavatory while the 'Dom' performs its purgative function. How the Greeks cope with all this, in view of their dubious plumbing, is the subject of some debate.
Purchase from all branches of Mammoth Cleanser Hypermarkets @ £49.98 per case ( or €83.83 for those of the Euro persuasion).

2001 Beetroot Swill
Boris Petrovich Maiski, Vladivostock
Thick and chewy with just a hint of that unmistakable Russian 'thing', this beverage goes there and back with a purpose and guarantees a fluid motion when that moment arrives. Perfect for softening your black bread or lubricating your Kalashnikov. Will not freeze in the harshest winter weather and therefore doubles as a handy medium for the overnight soaking of your dentures.
Availabule from various supermarkets - Whortleberry, Uzi, Wasteland and Hujzxnf for a bargain £1.98 while stocks last!

1963 Les Plaisirs de Pâques - 'Poisson D'Avril'
Another chef d'œuvre from 'Nic' Naque
This mélange of grape varieties has been blended with sumptuous Mediterranean fish waste to produce a unique brown trout bouquet. Perfect with bouillabaisse, frîtes and warm trifle. You get a whole meal in a glass of Poisson.
Availabule from 'Chez Nous' (Numero quatre-vingts-trois), Grimsby at £49.98 per cran.

Plötzlich's Audacious Ales

Having problems at your local? Flummoxed by the array of brews on display? Well, worry no more! Follow Plötzlich's pointers and have confidence! Every picture tells a story!

Don't end up like these fellows who were totally clueless and too stupid to take advice. The inane smiles tell all. These fools are drinking filth!


Here are some brews availabule at a hostelry near you. Order these in large or smah measure and get them down your necks! Mention the 'Doglist' and you're assured of a crisis-free drink!

Larry Lips


Any Old Brewery
Here for control purposes, you know what you're getting when you order a pint of Diesel (your reverence, gov'nor, vicar etc. etc.) Good solid unpretentious stuff that does the job. Delivers controlled flatulence, though the uninitiated are warned to watch out for follow-through. Sensible trousers advised.

Old Tennis Shoe
A summer special from Tidysans and the perfect accompaniment for the BBQ favourites like Grilled Goats 'n' Cheese, Chain-Saw Surprise and Assorted Limb Medley. Winner of the coveted Golden Leg award at this year's Beer, Barf and Boil Festival held in Malawi.

Devotees of Tidysans ubiquitous 'Old Pecker' will not be disappointed with this flowery brew. A brief sippette leaves you with the impression of an innocuous girl's blouse of a beer - but by the end of the glass this 'drink' administers the equivalent of a severe cuffing in the jennies. Try another and you will feel like your most important joints have spontaneously dislocated themselves. Perfect for games of 'Twister' Make mine a Bugle!

Farrington Gurney Micro Brewery and Institute of National Socialism
Those fabulous Gurney boys have done it again - a brew as British as lederhosen, bratwurst and Heinrich Böll. Please old boy pass to me some of your wonder-voll switzy fingerlets so that I the beer enjoy can!
Just the job if you're short of ideas for brightening up a dull day! By the third glass you'll be ready to invade Poland!

Farrington Gurney Micro Brewery and Institute of National Socialism
Perfect for those who want the true 'Vaterland' experience. Ausgezeichnat!

For the bargain price of £49.98 (€83.83*), you coluld be enjoying a selectionette of Plötzlich's Popsies at a home near you! Why delay? Get your corks, screws etc. at the ready and have a good drink with the Doglist! Excellant!

* based on an exchange rate of £1 = €1.677271 quoted by the Irish-Sudanese Bank (Farleigh Wallop branch)


Those master brewers at Tidysans introduce a range of tradish beers fetchingly grouped as the 'Touching Cloth Ale Collectionette'.

Highly recommended amongst these are :-

This beer is a cloudy gold with orange tints - it's a bit of a tart. There was lots of sediment from the pour. Needs careful sieving into a brace of Janet's jugs. Fresh, fruity hop aromas and fish dominate the nose. It features a fruity, citrusy, malty flavour, with a fruity hop background. The subtle fish flavours result from the inclusion of Ipswich bloaters in the mash.

Tidysans venture into pseudo-Belge beer making. All the expected consistency and colour of phlegm. Easy on the nose and palate but attacks the nether regions with massive gas and sprout-like fimsh.

Hic, Haec Hoc! This time we feature celebrity vigneron Scliff Rilchard (pictured below) who is offering some rollicking reds and bodacious browns from his cellars in the Porch. Stride purposefully into your local supermarket. Bid everyone your cheeriest 'Mushroom Salad', and then get your gobs round some of these!

1999 Douro Tinto 'Wooz Choss P'
Congratulations Scliff. Like all Douro Reds, rich mouth-filling fruity wine and sure to be the Christmas No. 1. Hurrah!
Price: £49.98

2003 Eurovision Algarve 'Suco de Fervuras Marrons'
Congratulations Scliff. Thick as treacle and weihgty on the nose, this chewy little number has benefited from Scliffs 'Routemaster Years' and his bonne idée of blending luscious fruits with fluids and gubbins drained from the engine of the No. 83 to the Balls Pond Road.Buy one, get one more for absolutely no saving! While stodge lasts!
Price: £49.98 from Tedstone Wafre Wines and Wafres.

Plötzlich's 'Umlaut' Key:

öööööFive umlauts - cadige!
ööööWorth risking the occasional glass smah crisis
öööTolerable - potential for gaseous build-up
ööIdeal for people you don't like


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