The Reader's Doglist Association of Great Britain proudly presents another very worthwhile column for your education and instruction.

As any fool knows, we at your caring, sharing Reader's Doglist are big on human interest! Are we also keen on the causes of human interest? Yes, bigly.

With no further a-dog-do, here is :-

'A Week on the Manor' with PC Nonsense

Our Bobby on the Beat

"Evenin' all. PC Nonsense here. Your very own local Bobby. My motto is 'Nonsense by name, take no nonsense by nature'. We live in a quiet patch. West Teeth is not a crime-ridden metropolis, but it has its share of awkward customers, villains, loafers, felons, shysters, scamps, good-for-nothings, rogues and rapscallions - I could go on. So the public need to be careful and the p'lice need to keep a watchful eye.

Let me share with you a week on the beat...


It was a quiet day on the manor. I thought I'd take a look at a local hostelry, 'The King's Leg' on Haddock Street. The landlady, Olive Scradge, had reported trouble with insolent young teenagers and I thought it time to administer an avuncular clip round the ear to some of these mouthy young hooligans. As luck would have it, they scarpered as soon as they caught sight of my shiny black boots.

Olive Scradge

Then a coach-load of cauliflowers on a pensioners outing arrived and started knocking back the sherry, shouting and leaving a trail of chaos and mayhem. Now I like a drink, when appropriate, in moderation but these geriatric gad-abouts are the bête noire of law-abiding drinking classes everywhere. I had to ask them to 'move along'.


Called to investigate serious theft at the local Council offices. The Town Hall johnnies had wisely displayed useful information sheets on their premises to instruct staff members about their stools.

Some blighter had stolen several of these 'Bristol Stool Charts' from the Gentlemen's lavatories and the staff were in a state of confusion. As luck would have it, a local philanthropist - R.R. Smibernoll, got wind of the kafuffle and provided replacements to save the day. But fear not, the ne'er-do-well concerned will get his come-uppance!

Rotten Rich Smibernoll


Received a complaint from a local newsagent - a Mr. Abdul Al-Haaaqq. His business was suffering because of repeated visits by time-wasting, overly large women. They spent a long time chit-chatting, not buying anything and just blocking access to the shop. This was a delicate matter and I pride myself on having the skills to deal with these situations. I stepped up to one of the problem customers and said 'sling your hook fatso... and take ugly old pie-face with you'.


The proprietor was duly grateful and couldn't stop going on about how thankful he was. 'Keep your hair on, Mahatma', I said, 'it's all in a day's work for the modern p'lice.'


Some serious nasty business today involving real villains down from Royston. Chief Inspector Dick Dock called for my support. It seems a gang of foreign maniac vegetarians were threatening to blow up the butcher's shop. Now, I'm a fair man and I don't mind a bit of foreign grub every now and then - a Brussels sprout or a Danish pastry - but this was taking the proverbial Israeli biscuit. Had to call for the squad car to frighten them off.

The nick's hottest squad car in pursuit of villainy


Investigated a complaint from Mrs.Stebbins of Gasworks Drive. She claimed that her street was inundated with unwanted dog-do. Investigations proved this to be stunt arranged by some long-haired, nancyboys from the local art college. The 'Sarge' put the wind up them while I calmed Mrs. S. down. 'Get back in the kitchen, love, and get your hubby's dinner on', I advised caringly.

The sarge


Quiet day, largely, until a bunch of nosey beggars from the local Neighbourhood Watch made a complaint about the goings-on at the local Fitness and Cement centre. A bevy of scantily-clad young girlies and an innocent game of sausage crickets were involved. I called in all the boys from the local nick to keep a watchful eye for a few hours. We all concluded that it was a harmless bit of fun for some nice healthy bits of fluff and that the Neighbourhood Watch should be cautioned for wasting p'lice time.

Just a bit of fluff


Attended a function at the West Teeth Comprehensive and Snorkel School. They wanted their Bobby on the Beat to present the prizes at their Non-Competitive Sports Day. Every 'competitor' won a prize in every event - Snooks, Left-Legged Racing, Hurling, Soccy - you name it!

But I don't think I caused offence when I advised them it was a load of tosh. 'Teach them a bit of boxing', I said, 'let them throw javelins at each other. Builds character!'

That's all for this time. Remember to lock away your garden tools.

Never answer your front door without checking that your back door is locked - and never answer your back door without checking that your front door is locked. Then check the back door again - er, and the front...

Take care, all... and if you're worried about anything... don't be! The p'lice are in your community, treating you all as equals.

The P'lice


©2006 The Reader's Doglist Association of Great Britain