You said you coluldn't wait and, as any fool knows, we at the Reader's Doglist Association of Great Britain, will never keep an anxious readership waiting! With supreme excitement we proudly present the fourth, last, and absolutely final instalment of our world-famous drama series. Believe it or not, after this, The Russian Thing is completely and utterly fimshed!

'The Russian Thing'

by Stanislav Dukla-Bluhurg

Part Four

The Story So Far...

Boris Petrovich Maiski is an innocent in Moscow mixing with 'students' Misha Kuznetsov and Nina Gagarina who display a studious front while lusting after the dark pleasures of 'walking in Moscow', 'drinking beer' and 'playing guitar'.

But Maiski is not as innocent as he pretends. He is revealed as a serial womaniser from whom no one is safe. Will his 'friend' in Kiev, Valya, find out?

What will happen about the extra bag, the stampless postcards, the snorkel...?

Beer, food and snorkel...
In this Final instalment...
In the final thrilling instalment of...'The Russian Thing' - a theatrical meisterwerk by Stanislav Dukla-Bluhurg - we expect to find all the answers...

Not a moment to waste...

'The Locations'
More glamour... more glitz... more five star luxury. Champagne, vodka, beetroot soup and food - not to mention girls, girls and more girls!!
Beetroot Soup

The Characters

Misha Kuznetsov a student
Boris Petrovich a tourist
Nina Gagarina another student
Tamara Yet another student
Voice from crowd Angry person
Another voice from crowd Slightly less angry person
Official Officious railway person who is annoyed because Boris Petrovich Maiski doesn't know his entrance from his exit
Waitress Restaurant operative unused to dealing with complex orders
Administrator Hotel person who is not very helpful

The Song
Every worthwhile dramatic work sholuld have a song! And The Russian Thing is no exception! Once you've heard the cast's rendition of the lyrically stunning 'Da Svidanya' you'll be humming it everywhere - even when you're sitting on a horse's head!

The Snorkel
Last but not least, the snorkel!

Can we wait any longer for the next instalment of 'The Russian Thing'?

We present the final instalment of...

'The Russian Thing' by Stanislav Dukla-Bluhurg.

Scene 40 (Misha and Tamara in the university library - 11:00a.m.)

Tamara: Well that's my work done already.
Misha: Yes, Tamara, we have worked well this morning. Let's go for a walk...
Tamara: Yes, let's. But what were you saying yesterday about a tourist from Kiev? Perhaps I know him.
Misha: His name is Maiski. Boris Petrovich Maiski. Yesterday evening we went to a football match and spoke there to a girl from Kiev. She thought that Boris Petrovich was an Englishman and wanted to speak to him in English!
Tamara: An Englishman! Why did she think he was an Englishman?
Misha: Well there was a big crowd at the kiosk and we wanted to buy tickets. So I made out he was an English tourist.
Tamara: And they gave you tickets?
Misha: Of course they did. Only in the expensive stand.
Tamara: But where is your English tourist from Kiev today?
Misha: He's in his hotel in the centre of the city. Do you want to go there?
Tamara: Yes, let's go. What means of going shall we employ?
Misha: It's already late. And there are big crowds on the buses. Let's go by taxi. But we must give him a ring. Have you got two kopecks for the phone?
Tamara: Here are two kopecks. You telephone and I would like to get a drink from the street vending machine. I need three kopecks. Have you got them?
Misha: Here are three kopecks. I'm having a drink after phoning also.

Moscow drinks machines
Moscow taxi

Scene 41 (Boris Petrovich's hotel room: the phone creaks)

Boris: Hello. I'm listening.
Misha: Boris Petrovich, can we visit?
Boris: Of course. But when Misha?
Misha: Today at 12.
Boris: Yes, good, I've already had breakfast. Now I want to walk around Moscow.
Misha: Good. Walk. And we will come by taxi and see you in the centre.
Boris: But where in the centre?
Misha: You know Red Square?
Boris: You are a one, Misha! Of course I know it. I was with you in GUM!
Misha: Ach, yes. So you know the Lenin mausoleum?
Boris: Yes. Today I wanted to have a look at the Lenin.
Misha: So we can go together and have a look.
Boris: You're coming with Nina?
Misha: No, with Tamara. She's a student from Kiev. I spoke to her about you and she would like to see you very much.
Boris: But Mama and Valya...
Misha: Well what are you like Boris Petrovich! This isn't a lovers rendezvous. She only wants to talk to you!
Boris: Good, Misha, so Red Square at 12.

So Boris Petrovich Maiski feels guilty about meeting Tamara - does she know Valya? Has she been sent to spy on his activities? And what are Tamara's motives? Will she try to fleece him like the shameless Nina and 'the bag in GUM incident?'

Scene 42

Boris (to himself): (reaching Red Square) What a nice walk in Moscow! I love this city. Kiev, of course, is also a beautiful city. In the centre of Moscow there aren't so many parks as we have in Kiev. But it's pleasant here. What a crowd! Of course they are not all Muscovites. There are many tourists here. Here is the mausoleum at last. What a queue! But where is the end of the queue? Ahhh, here! (pause, crowd noise). It's already late, where's Misha? I've already been here for twenty minutes, but he's not. Aaah, there he is!
Voice from the crowd: What do you think you're doing, comrade? This is the end of the queue.
Misha: Excuse me, comrade! Here is a tourist from London: we are with him. Xchallo Meester Smit!
Other voice: Never mind. Never mind. He's a tourist from London. He wants to see our Lenin.

Many tourists
Lenin (with Jerry Hall)
Lenny (with Terry Hall)

Boris Petrovich Maiski is settling into his alter ego, Meester Smit. How long before the Muscovites rumble him and give him a good kicking in the jennies for queue jumping?

Scene 43 (leaving Red Square - Boris Petrovich, Misha and Tamara)

Misha: Well, here, Boris Petrovich. You've already seen Red Square and the mausoleum. What do you want to see now?
Boris: I don't know. What do you think?
Tamara: Let's go to the Park Of Culture and Rest named after Gorky. Have you already seen it?
Boris: No, I still haven't been there.
Tamara: It's a very pretty place. I so love to stroll there in the evening when the birds are singing. Do you want to go there?
Boris: Please. How shall we go there? By taxi? I have money.
Misha: No, by underground. The underground station is near the library named after Lenin. It's not far.
Tamara: No, I wanted to go by taxi. It would be pleasant. Today is so hot and the underground is so crowded.
Misha: But here's Boris Petrovich, already here for three or four days and he still hasn't seen the underground. He's a tourist, you know.
Tamara: Well, good. Let's go to the station. Ach, here's ice cream! It's so hot and I really love ice cream.
Boris: Here I'll buy you ice cream. I've got money. Do you want some too, Misha?
Misha: Thank you, but I would buy it in the park. To eat ice cream on the underground is unpleasant and uncultured.
Tamara: To the devil with your culture, Misha! Thank you, Boris Petrovich.
Boris: Here's your ice cream, Tamara.

So why has Misha had a hissy-fit? Does he wish he had a wad like Boris Petrovich?

Boris splashes the cash to impress the girls.

What does Tamara do hanging around in the park in the evening? Listen to the birds? Yeah right!

Scene 44 (They approach the underground station)

Misha: Well here is the library named after Lenin and the underground station. (pause, crowd noise)
Boris: How many people are here! But where are they? Where is the entrance? I think this is it.
Official: Where do you think you're going, comrade? This isn't the entrance, but the exit! Here is not an entrance.
Boris: Excuse me, I am a tourist here. I don't know your underground.
Official: So you don't read Russian?
Boris: I can read it but I didn't see that this was the exit. Where is it necessary for me to go?
Official: The entrance is over there. Not far.
Boris: Ay-ay, must dash! (enters the station) Where are they? Aaaaahhh, there they are!
Misha: Where were you, Boris Petrovich? We thought that you'd already gone back to Kiev!
Boris: Excuse me, I didn't know where the entrance was. So many people. Let's go by feet to buy our tickets.
Tamara: No, not necessary. Here are vending machines.
Boris: Here comes our train already. Let's get a move on!
Misha: This isn't our train. We need to wait a minute for ours.
Tamara: Aaah here comes our train already.

This isn't our train...

Scene 45 (Leaving underground station at Gorky Park)

Tamara: Well here is the second station already. It's ours. Let's go by feet, the park's not far. Here is the entrance to the park. Listen, what is playing? Is that the radio or a concert?
Misha: I think it's a concert. Yes. There is an orchestra playing and a girl singing. Let's go and listen.
Tamara: But what is she singing?
Misha: A song about Moscow. It's a very popular song. Don't you know it?
Tamara: Ach, yes, I heard it on the radio yesterday evening. The girl sings well don't you think, Boris Petrovich? But where is he? I can't see him.
Misha: Where could he have gone? Let's got to the buffet and look for him. Maybe he's there.
Tamara: Yes, there he is. He's speaking with a girl.
Boris: Aaah, there you all are! Here is very good ice cream. Do you want some?
Tamara: I always love ice cream. Thank you, Boris Petrovich.
Boris: How about you, Misha?
Misha: Yes please. But where's the girl gone?
Boris: What girl?
Misha: You are a one, Boris Petrovich! There was a girl with you. We were watching the concert and saw you with a girl at the buffet!
Tamara: See a girl, forget about us!

At the buffet... but the girl has gone, and so has Boris Petrovich

Which girl is singing? Girl from football match? Girl from GUM? How much ice cream can Tamara shove down her gullet? Who is the mysterious girl with Boris?

Scene 46 (Boris Petrovich, Misha, Nina and Tamara in the hotel restaurant)

Boris: Comrades, sit please. Tomorrow I'm off home to Kiev. It's good that you're all here and we can eat and drink together. Here is the menu. What do you want? Nina...
Nina: Well I see on the menu a Moscow Salad. I really love it.
Tamara: I would also like a Moscow salad please.
Boris: And what about you, Misha?
Misha: Let's see what soup is on the menu... Aaah here is beetroot soup. Good, I'm trying the beetroot soup.
Boris: Yes, I'll have the beetroot soup too. (to waitress) But tell me, girl, are your steaks good?
Waitress: Yes, of course. Very good.
Boris: Shall we have steaks, yes, comrades?
Misha, Nina and Tamara: Yes, please.
Waitress: Do you want ice cream?
Boris: Yes, give us four please.
Waitress: So it's two salads, two beetroot soups, four steaks and ice cream. Anything else!
Nina: Do we want lemonade?
Boris: Yes no, today it is necessary to drink vodka!
Tamara: I don't drink vodka.
Nina: I also don't drink it.
Boris: Good, Misha and I will drink vodka and you girls will drink champagne.
Waitress: Anything else! I'm off.

Muscovite prepares to eat Moscow Salad
Aftermath of too much beetroot soup

Scene 47 (Waitress comes back with drinks)

Waitress: Here's vodka and champagne, please.
Boris: Thank you. Our soviet champagne is very good. Now Nina... Tamara... my friends... I wanted to tell you that I've grown fond of you and Moscow. Your health!
Misha, Nina and Tamara: Your health! (chinking of glasses)
Boris: Don't just think that it was nice for me to walk about Moscow with you. We've seen so much together! I've only been here four days. It's true, good, that we were together at the airport, Misha? I, of course, have seen photos of Moscow and knew that it was a beautiful city. But I didn't know that Muscovites are kind and that Muscovite girls are so pretty.
Nina: Ach, you're a one Boris Petrovich!
Misha: Yes, we know that you love to walk with girls! But are Kiev girls not pretty?
Boris: No, of course, they are also pretty, but now I am only thinking of Moscow.
Tamara: So are you forgetting our Kiev?
Boris: Sorry, Tamara, I forgot you're from Kiev. Let's toast Moscow together!
Tamara: To Moscow (chinking of glasses)
Misha: From us, Nina, a toast to Kiev, a city where everything is beautiful - parks, theatres, squares...
Boris: ...and girls are pretty there, aren't they, Tamara?
Tamara: If you say so, Boris Petrovich. Thank you.
Misha and Nina: To Kiev!
Boris: And to our friendship, comrades!
Misha, Nina and Tamara: To friendship!

Park in Kiev

Foaming and yellow -
it's Russian champagne!

Scene 48 (Waitress comes up with food)

Misha: And here is our beetroot soup already!
Waitress: Here is your beetroot soup and salad for you, yes?
Nina: Yes, thank you. It's for me and Tamara.
Waitress: And steak and ice cream, that's it, I think.
Boris: And look we've already drunk all the vodka. Want another, Misha?
Misha: No, thank you.
Boris: How about some champagne?
Misha: But that's so expensive, Boris Petrovich!
Boris: Never mind, Misha. Fill your boots up! Girl, give us another bottle of champagne.
Waitress: Good. One minute.
Nina: When are you off tomorrow, Boris Petrovich?
Boris: I must be at the airport at eight o'clock.
Nina: In the evening?
Boris: No, in the morning. I need to be there with passport and baggage.
Misha: Girls, shall we also go to the airport with Boris Petrovich?
Nina: Yes, I would like to go very much but I must be in the library at eight o'clock. Sorry, Boris Petrovich.
Boris: Never mind. I know you are a very serious student, Nina.
Misha: What about you Tamara?
Tamara: Yes, I'm going.
Waitress: Here's a bottle of champagne.
Boris: How good... dear friends, I want to say that I so love you... and Moscow...
Misha, Nina and Tamara: Yes, yes. To drink! To friendship! To Moscow! To Kiev!

Steak and ice cream - what a combo?

Scene 49 (the foyer of Boris Petrovich's hotel the following morning)

Misha: Tell me, please, Boris Petrovich Maiski is still in the hotel?
Administrator: Yes, here's his passport. I saw him this morning. He had breakfast in the buffet. I think he's now in his room. It's number three down the corridor.
Misha: Thank you. I'll go and see him. (Goes to Boris's room. Knocks)
Boris: Who's that? Aaah, it's you Misha! Good morning!
Misha: Good morning, Boris Petrovich. It's already time to go.
Boris: What time do you make it?
Misha: It's already seven o'clock.
Boris: Did you see a taxi at the entrance?
Misha: Yes, I saw it. But where is your luggage?
Boris: There it is on the bed - suitcase, briefcase and a bag with presents for Mama and Valya.
Misha: Give me the suitcase and let's go by feet.
Boris: One minute, I really want to have a drink of water. Oy-Oy! We drank so much vodka last night! (Goes to tap, sound of clanking, whirring followed by a gush of rusty, foul-smelling "water") Ach, the devil! The water is warm! How can that be? When I was in the shower-room there was only cold water. But now I want to drink cold water, the water is warm!
Misha: Well you know there have been repairs and now everything works in the hotel.
Boris: Well I have already been here four days. The lift didn't work, the showers didn't work, nothing worked and snorkel, but now when I'm leaving, everything works. Never mind. Let's go by feet, Misha.

Beautiful Kiev
The hotel kitchen after repairs

Scene 50 (still in Boris Petrovich's room)

Misha: But where's Tamara? She said she was coming to the airport with us. Shall we wait for her or not?
Boris: No. It's time already. Let's go. (phone creaks) Hello. I'm listening.
Tamara: Is that you, Boris Petrovich?
Boris: Yes, it's me. Is that Tamara? We were speaking about you. We are already on our way.
Tamara: Sorry, Boris Petrovich! I'm not good after champagne. I'm not going to the airport with you. Thanks for everything. All the best.
Boris: Goodbye Tamara, and all the best.
Misha: She's not coming? I thought as much. Girls are all the same!
Boris: Never mind. She needs to rest but I need to go! What can you do!
Misha: Yes, let's go by feet quickly, Boris Petrovich! (Go out of room to hall desk)
Administrator: Here is your passport comrade Maiski. The taxi is at the entrance.
Boris: I should like to buy another three or four postcards from you. I so love the photos of the Big Theatre.
Administrator: No, here is closed. I think that the kiosk on Revolution Square is already open. There you can buy newspapers, magazines, postcards and snorkel.
Misha: Not necessary, Boris Petrovich. It's already late. The taxi's at the entrance. At the airport the kiosk is always open.
Administrator: Goodbye and have a good trip!
Boris: Thank you. Goodbye.

Taxi at the entrance

Does Boris ever get to the airport?

Where was Vanya - why didn't he carry the bags?

Is Tamara just a shandy lightweight?

What has happened the mysterious extra bag?

Who noticed that back in 'Part One' Boris was presented with a suitcase, briefcase and a bag by Vanya the hotel porter - but Boris refused to accept the bag was his. Now at the end of 'part four', Boris is dashing off to the airport with suitcase, briefcase and bag with no explanation of his change of heart!

What has Boris done with his stamp-less postcards?

What will happen back in beautiful Kiev with its theatres, parks, squares... we could go on...?

Will his relationship with Valya pick up again if he learns how to dance the 'tvist' like Hubby Hecker?

Is this really the end of the story? Find out first only in the Reader's Doglist!

Paff-Chair Theatre is brought to you by arrangement with the Sulpi Entertainment Corporation.

All characters are largely fictitious. Devices of dubious quality and origin are not recommended for use in the home. You have been warned.


©2009 The Reader's Doglist Association of Great Britain