'The Russian Thing:
What Happened Next'

by Stanislav Dukla-Bluhurg

Part Two

A quick recapulaish.... In part one of 'the Russian Thing - What Happened Next?' we meet Boris Petrovich Maiski once again on his return to Moscow. He is now no longer a tourist but a business man, although this fact is more-often-than-not lost on everyone he meets. He finds his way to the Hotel Chossy but there is once again a mix-up over a bag. This time, rather than having a bag foisted on him, he loses a bag somewhere between the administrator's desk and room three. Hotel porter, Vanya, doesn't seem bothered as the unavoidable odour of 'lunch' clouds his sense of responsibility. Old faces from his previous visit to Moscow emerge. Misha now seems to be interested in 'business' too whereas Nina, while maintaining an interest in bags, displays a greater fondness for food! So, what next? Will the bag be found? Will Boris and co. get to UREA? Will Boris be treated seriously? How long before the hanky-panky and playing guitar begins? Well, read on........

The Characters

Misha Kuznetsov a former student
Boris Petrovich a business man (not a tourist!)
Nina Gagarina another former student
Tamara Yet another former student
Vanya the hotel porter
Girl in kiosk girl in kiosk
Official Airport official
Administrator Hotel person who is not very helpful
Valya Boris' 'friend' from Kiev
Representative Hire car official from 'Glopp' business limousine hire
Girl In Urea Business OfficeGirl in Urea Business Office
Ivan MudakUreaologist
Surprise Hotel GuestHimself
Misha's MamaHerself

'The Russian Thing - What Happened Next' by Stanislav Dukla-Bluhurg.

Scene 8

Hotel room telephone
The Hotel Chossy. Boris Petrovich Maiski has the receiver of his hotel room telephone clamped firmly to his ear and strains to hear the voice on the other end of the call above the churning, gurgling and frankly flatulent sounds emitted by the heating system...
Boris Petrovich:Valya.....is that you?....pardon.....yes...it is Boris in Moscow......no, I am in my room... Are you well? ..........And how is Mama? (Boris gasps).......That's not very polite, Valya! Mama has a little problem with wind, that's all!........ Yes, I'm doing some business tomorrow at the Moscow 'Urea'. Misha and Nina are coming too............... NO. Misha is leaving his guitar at home!.......... (a loud knock on the door)....... I have to go, Valya. Enjoy! (Boris opens his door, sees Vanya standing outside. He is grinning and has copious food stains decorating his hotel uniform)
Vanya:Mr. Maiski. How are you enjoying your stay? We have many tourists staying here from Kiev. I have just eaten my lunch! (a lenghty pause ensues with Vanya standing grinning at Boris)
Boris Petrovich:I'm not a tourist. I'm a business man. What do you want?
Vanya:The administrator has found your missing 'Minsk' laptop computer.
Boris Petrovich:I haven't got a laptop. I arrived with a suitcase, a briefcase (I am a business man) and a bag. Now I have no bag.
Boris Petrovich: Goodbye.

What is going on? What could have happened to the bag? What on earth has Vanya had for lunch? Let's see what's happens next...

Scene 9

Sleek limousine supplied by 'Glopp' cars
The Moscow Urea is situated in the suburbs and is easiest reached by car. Boris has offered to drive the hire car - but he must first seek directions from the representative of Car Rentals company 'Glopp'. A sleek limousine has been prepared for the journey to Urea...

Boris Petrovich:I travel today to the Moscow Urea. Some help with directions there and back please.....
Representative:Aaah. You hope to travel by car to our wonderful Urea! Many tourists wish to travel there with the purpose of purchasing quality self-assembly things to assemble in their homes!
Boris Petrovich:I'm not a tourist! I'm a business man!
Representative:Our limousines feature integral navigation aid facilities designed by skilled Russian software experts GiPpopotamSoft. You will be guided to your destination by helpful voice.
Boris Petrovich:Yes. I use such things when using cars in Kiev
Representative:So you know Kiev? I am told Kiev has many beautiful parks, theatres and squares...but you have cars too?
Boris Petrovich: Yes. We have. Now I must go to Urea on business. (He starts the car, waits for the thick black smoke to clear, drives out of the compound, stops to let his friends get in.......the 'voice' of the Sat Nav Woman speaks)
Voice Of Sat Nav Woman: 'Stop what you do, comrade!'............ (the strident tones go on...) 'Turn round immediately! Wrong way! Go there. Not there!'
Boris Petrovich:Where? There, not there? (Misha & Nina get into the 'Glopp' car. Misha looks perplexed. Nina munches on a beetroot and tripe sandwich). Woman, just tell me how to get to Urea!
Misha:Exactly. To miss it is not possible. Well.
Boris Petrovich:There with a purpose?
Voice Of Sat Nav Woman:'Comrade, turn left in 42 metres. Continue for two kilometres. At Hotel Chernobyl Beach take the next left turn ...'
Boris Petrovich:But...
Voice Of Sat Nav Woman:'..Not permitted to interrupt, comrade!'
Boris Petrovich:But.....
Voice Of Sat Nav Woman:'Driver to please follow instructions to reach destination. Are you a tourist?'

For why we visit the Moscow Urea? Because Boris has 'business'. So why have Misha and Nina tagged along? Do they just want to buy some quality things? Do they just want a chance to meet Ivan Mudak or is it the prospect of Urea Food that appeals?

Scene 10

The Urea Restaurant Girls
Nina is hungry and insists on a quick snack. What will she eat? Could it be rissoles?

Nina:I'm starving. I love the food at Urea. Let's go.
Boris Petrovich:But Nina I must complete my business. Can you wait?
Misha:Business is important. But food is also important.
Boris Petrovich:What food can be eaten at Urea?
Nina:Beetroot Swill, Bulotchki and Potatoes, Tripe and Cabbage and Horrible Dumplings are on the menu.
Boris Petrovich:Mmmmmmmmmmm! How tasty? Perhaps business can wait!
Misha:Good good!
Boris Petrovich:Indeedy!
Nina:The restaurant is here. Hurry!
Boris Petrovich:Can you smell something, Misha?

Why do people come to Urea? To buy the famous BARSTED bookcase? 'Cheap things, nice things!' What is Boris Petrovich Maiski's business with Urea? He is easily diverted by the prospect of Horrible Dumplings and seems to have already forgotten about his lost bag.

Scene 11

New technology and snorkel
After his snack in the restaurant, Boris enters the Business Office of Urea. He is met with the vision of organisation and efficiency – all flashing screens, New Technology and snorkel.
Visitors to Ivan Mudak are greeted by a reception girl. Will Boris live up to his reputation as someone who cannot help himself from flirting with girls? Surely not. Will Valya have her spies out?

Girl:Good afternoon.
Boris:Girl, let me introduce myself. My name is Boris. What is your name?
Girl:I am Girl in the Urea business office. Are you a tourist?
Boris:Nice to meet you, girl. I am not a tourist. I am a business man. Here is my briefcase. I am here on business. Please tell Mr. Ivan Mudak. (Pauses briefly...) How did you relax yesterday?
Boris:What were you doing?
Girl:I went to a movie, then was sitting in a café, drinking beer and talking
Boris: What were you doing on weekends?
Girl: I was home on Saturday. And I was going to the country on Sunday.
Boris: What were you doing there?
Girl: We were cooking shashliks, playing volleyball.
Boris: What do you want to do tomorrow?
Girl: I don't know yet.
Boris: Do you want to go to a night club?
Girl: I'm sorry; I don't like to go there. (Boris Petrovich Maiski's mobile telephone creaks...)
Boris:What a pity. Goodbye. (Bangs his mobile phone on the BOLSHY desk to stop it creaking - then holds it to his ear... a telephone conversation ensues.....) Hello! Speaking.
Ivan Mudak:Welcome to Urea, Boris Petrovich Maiski! What do you want? Are you a tourist?
Boris:No, I'm not a tourist. I'm a business man. You will see. I have a briefcase. I represent the famous Kiev 'Yeetsa' company. How do you do? Yes please, Mister Mudak. I am approaching your office by feet with a purpose.

At last Boris is showing his penchant for the ladies. His chat-up lines are a little left-field but he's certainly direct. Now it's time to get down to 'business'.

Scene 12

Pandrol Clips (rusty)
The office of Ivan Mudak

Ivan: What do you want?
Boris: I represent 'Yeetsa'. We have quality parts for your furniture.
Ivan: Aaaah yes. Sprockets we used in the BARSTED bookcase!
Boris: Very good. Now Yeetsa needs to supply more things, yes?
Ivan: Very good. Thank you. Our new range of self-assembly, just-in-time furniture needs many components. Very popular in Germany are our DOOF and BLERDSINN items.....
Boris: I know, yes. You will need quality nibbets, palliasses, pelmets, pandrol clips, umbrage, formules, lumps, spores, poff and popsocks......... I could go on
Ivan: ...and snorkel
Boris: Yes, snorkel too
Ivan: Goodbye

All this talk about business and it's over in seconds! Boris spent longer talking to Girl! Are 'Yeetsa' getting value for money? Supplying the snorkel is a big ask. What have Misha and Nina been up to while Boris has been involved with business?

Scene 13

Playing football, guitar or nards? What to do, please?
In the street where the recovery vehicle has deposited Boris, Nina and Misha after towing back their hired limousine to the city. They are met by Tamara who is in playful mood.

Tamara: Do you want to play a game? I like to play billiards.
Boris: Aaah, billiards is a good game, but I prefer darts.
Nina:Darts I have played with my sister in Wurrssk. She very well plays it on the Okki but maybe you like chess. Many tourists come to play chess in Moscow. We have outdoor chess in the Park of Culture and Rest named after Gorki. Perhaps chess, yes?
Boris: I am not a tourist I am a business man. May I suggest a game of nards?
Misha: O Boris, you are a one! We always love to play nards but is not a game for our Moscow girls!
Nina: Tamara is not a Moscow girl, Misha! She comes from Kiev...
Tamara: ...with all its beautiful parks...
Boris: ....theatres, museums
Nina:....and restaurants. Shall we go to your place, Misha, and 'play guitar'?
Boris: Yes, let's...........
Misha: To my place is not very far. We can go by feet!
Nina and Tamara: Good!

That's it then. Nards on the table. What would Valya in Kiev make of all this playing guitar while she is left nurse-maiding Boris's Mama in some evil smelling fug?

Scene 14

Misha's Mama's flat. Sounds of raucous merriment and girlish laughter...

Nina:.....O Misha, you are a one! How I love 'playing guitar'.
Tamara:Yes, playing guitar is good. But playing nards is also good. I have enjoyed playing nards in Hotel Olgino in St Petersburg for 40 roubles an hour!
Boris:Talking of nards and hotels, Misha, play us that song by Leo-nard Kone.
Misha: (picks up his guitar and begins singing...)
"I remember you well in the Chossy Hotel
You were famous, your fart was a leg end"
Misha's Mama: (bursting through the door suddenly) Enough already, Misha. The girls need their rest. And your tourist friend must return to his hotel for dinner.
Boris: I'm not a tourist. I'm a business man.
Misha's Mama: Whatever. Having fun is good but having food is also necessary.
Misha: Mama is correct, Boris Petrovich Maiski.
Boris: Goodbye.
Misha, Nina and Tamara: Goodbye.

40 roubles an hour. That's cheap for nards! Bookings at the Hotel Olgino will be bolstered by this news. Let's follow Boris back to the 'Chossy' by feet.

Scene 15

'Minsk' Laptop computer box
Back at the Hotel Chossy. Boris approaches the Administrator's desk.

Boris: Good evening, Administrator. My missing bag has been found by Vanya?
Administrator: Bag, yes! Found in restaurant! With integral 'Minsk' laptop.
Boris: My bag has no laptop. It is not my bag.
Administrator: Of course not! It is possible for tourists to have laptops!
Boris: I'm not a tourist. I'm a business man.
Administrator: Do you have a briefcase?
Boris: Briefcase, yes. A beautiful briefcase. Present from Mama in Kiev.
Administrator: Aaaaahh, Kiev! A beautiful city with many parks, librairies...
Boris: ...squares, cafes! Is that burnt tyres I can smell?
Administrator:Dinner is served. Go directly to the restaurant.
Boris:(turns in haste and collides with another hotel guest knocking his bag from his hand) . Excuse, please. I'm hungry.

White man

Forked Wagon Train



What is Gecc Workman doing in Moscow? And where did he get that bag? What further surprises await Boris Petrovich Maiski as he continues his helter-skelter return to Moscow in Part Three...
Find out in the next thrilling instalment of 'The Russian Thing - What Happened Next' by Stanislav Dukla-Bluhurg. ONLY in the Reader's Doglist.


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