'The Russian Thing:
What Happened Next'

by Stanislav Dukla-Bluhurg

Part Three

A quick recapulaish... in part one of 'The Russian Thing - What Happened Next?' we meet Boris Petrovich Maiski once again on his return to Moscow. He is now no longer a tourist but a business man, although this fact is more-often-than-not lost on everyone he meets. He finds his way to the Hotel Chossy but there is once again a mix-up over a bag. This time, rather than having a bag foisted on him, he loses a bag somewhere between the administrator's desk and room three. Hotel porter, Vanya, doesn't seem bothered as the unavoidable odour of 'lunch' clouds his sense of responsibility. Old faces from his previous visit to Moscow emerge. Misha now seems to be interested in 'business' too whereas Nina, while maintaining an interest in bags, displays a greater fondness for food!

Then in Part Two Vanya and the Hotel Administrator both fail to reunite Boris with his bag even after our heroes risk life and limb to do 'business' at the famous UREA.

This business includes another of Boris's direct attempts to play away! Are 'Yeetsa', his employers, getting value for money? How will Valya (stuck in Kiev with its wonderful parks, squares, museums... not to mention Boris's Mama) get revenge when she discovers what's going on? More playing guitar and talk about nards. Part Two concluded with the shock encounter with none other than Gecc Workman - what part will he play? And where did he get that bag? What further surprises await Boris Petrovich Maiski as he continues his helter-skelter return to Moscow in Part Three...

Find out now!

The Characters

Misha Kuznetsov a former student
Boris Petrovich a business man (not a tourist!)
Nina Gagarina another former student
Tamara Yet another former student
Vanya the hotel porter
Official Airport official
Administrator Hotel person who is not very helpful
Valya Boris's 'friend' from Kiev
UIA Official Airline official
Airline OfficialAnother Airline Official
Girl in GUM Girl in GUM
Girl at bus stopGirl
Girl at Information DeskGirl
Girl at Big TheatreGirl
Gecc WorkmanHimself
Misha's MamaHerself

Scene 16

By the administrator's desk at the Hotel Chossy

Typical people and staff at the Hotel Chossy

Boris:Good evening. I haven't seen you in years. How are you?
Gecc:Same as usual. For why are you in Moscow please?
Gecc:But you are not still a tourist?
Boris:I'm not a tourist, I'm a business man. Is that your bag on the floor?
Gecc:...Bag? (hesitates...) Ach, yes, bag (dusts off assorted detritus acquired from the hotel floor). Present from my sister Olga in Kiev.
Vanya:(interrupting) ...aaaahhh Kiev with its wonderful parks, museums, restaurants, galleries...
Boris:Shut up, Vanya. Have you found the lost bag?
Vanya:I'm still looking. I have some bulotchki to eat first. But please not to forget we Moscow people always look after our tourists.
Boris:I'm not a tourist. I'm a business man!
Gecc:Do you read the magazine 'England'?
Boris:Of course! Always interesting articles about culture...
Gecc:I have a new copy in my bag. You may borrow it to read in your room. Just return it to the Administrator's desk when you are done. (opens bag... rummages... looks startled). Now there's a thing... (hesitates)... magazine 'England' no longer here... never mind... must go...

So, how much further forward are we? Vanya still procrastinates. Boris has a chance encounter with an old acquaintance who has to make a swift exit. Should this concern us? Or is it simply a normal human reaction to the smells emanating from the Hotel Chossy dining room? Maybe the next scene will shed some light... or light some shed?

Scene 17

The Moscow Flat of Misha's Mama

Misha's Mama

Boris:Here it is. The Moscow flat of Misha's Mama! I know that smell coming from inside! Just like my own Mama in Kiev! (knocks on the door, brushes flaking paint from his hand).
Misha :Boris Petrovich Maiski! How are you? And how are your feet?
Boris:I'm well after travelling here by bus from the Hotel Chossy. My feet are rested.
Misha:I'm glad. Many tourists in Moscow try to visit all the attractions by feet, there and back with a purpose and become very tired! Ha ha!
Boris:I'm not a tourist, I'm a business man. Who else is here?
Misha:Nina and Tamara are in the kitchen eating 'Yeetsa and Pizza'. Look! There they are. They have glasses of 'Volga' beer too. (sounds of loud belching ensue...) Let's join in!
Misha's Mama:Welcome, Boris Petrovich Maiski. Go directly to kitchen.
Boris:Thank you. I'm going.
Misha:You must come to our dacha, Boris. Nina and Tamara will also want to be there. I have taken many other tourists there for fun.
Boris:I'm not a tourist. I'm a business man! What shall we do at the dacha? Any chance of nards?
Misha's Mama:Nards must not be in place of good food. Misha will take some Horrible Dumplings and beetroot!
Boris:Mmmmmmmm. Will playing guitar also be possible?
Misha:Of course.
Boris:I must now visit GUM. Have many things to buy. See you tomorrow. Goodbye.

Was that a little rude of Boris to up and leave so precipitously? Why the hurry to go to GUM? Let's follow him and find out!

Scene 18
The Moscow MegaStore GUM

Boris:(enters store and approaches a girl working on the perfume counter)
Hello, Girl. I have gifts to buy for Mama and Valya in Kiev. Please help!
Girl in GUM:Aaaaahhh! Kiev! Such a wonderful city! How I would love to visit all its parks, libraries, squares, restaurants, museums, fountains...
Boris:Stop! Kiev is of course wonderful but it will be even better if I return with presents!
Girl in GUM:Of course. At GUM we are always willing to help tourists.
Boris:I'm not a tourist, I'm a business man. I've left my briefcase at the Hotel Chossy.
Girl in GUM:Aaaahhh. So you stay at the Hotel Chossy! My sister, Svetlana, is a friend of the porter there. Have you met Vanya?
Boris:I've met him. He has lost my bag.
Girl in GUM:Bags are also for sale here at GUM. We have handbags, briefcases, shopping bags, suitcases, duffel bags, nose bags...
Boris:Please shut up. Show me perfumes...
Girl in GUM:This is special perfume 'Sobach'ego der'ma'. You like?
Boris:Mmmm. Unusual.
Boris:(after awkward pause) Do you want to meet after work for more talking about Kiev?
Girl:Be in park. Near ice cream kiosk. Go by bus no.26.
Boris:Twenty-six! Goodbye!

So Boris can't resist another clandestine meeting with a girl. Does he think he will get away with it? Or does he simply think that her rather loose connection with his missing bag might prove useful? Let's see how his journey to the meeting place progresses.

Scene 19
At the Bus Stop
A bus stop before the arrival of Boris Petrovich Maiski and Girl at bus stop

Boris:Is this stop for bus number 26?
Girl at bus stop:Yes to Park Of Culture and Rest named after Gorky. Goes there and back.
Boris:Are you going to the Park Of Culture and Rest named after Gorky?
Girl at bus stop:Bus no 83 also leaves from this stop. I work in the business office of UREA on this route. Many tourists want to visit UREA to buy cheap Russian Things.
Boris:I'm not a tourist, I'm a business man. I have been to UREA on business with my briefcase as representative of my company in Kiev.
Girl at bus stop:Aaaaahh! You come from Kiev. I have heard it's....
Boris:...a beautiful city with many parks, squares, restaurants, fountains. I have met your UREA boss Ivan Mudak on business.
Girl at bus stop:Ivan Mudak! A remarkable man! Always smart in business suit and sandals.
Boris:So ....no socks for Ivan?
Girl at bus stop:Yes, no. Look! Your bus approaches!
Boris:Twenty-Six! Goodbye!
Girl at bus stop:Twenty-Six! Goodbye!
Russian Thing

Scene 20
The Hotel Chossy
Girls and bags at the Hotel Chossy lift

Administrator:Thank you, Gecc Workman! Here is your copy of the magazine 'England'.
Gecc:Thank you. I will keep it in the bag.
Vanya:Do we still have a bag to find?
Administrator:Yes. Bag of Boris Petrovich Maiski. The tourist from Kiev.
Gecc:He's not a tourist, he's a business man.
Gecc and Administrator:Goodbye.

Why is Gecc Workman circulating this copy of the magazine 'England'? What has it got to do with the Hotel Chossy and the missing bag?

Scene 21
The Park Of Culture and Rest named after Gorky
Place of rest and leisure, culture and ice cream

Boris:So where is ice-cream kiosk? I wish Misha and Nina were here. They know Moscow very well. I do not - even though I am not a tourist.
Misha:Well, well, never mind! Fancy seeing you here!
Boris:Misha, what luck to see you here in this park. Is that Nina sitting on the bench?
Misha:Yes. Nina. See - she is eating a tripe sandwich and waving!
Boris:Nina is always hungry after playing guitar. Where is the ice-cream kiosk?
Misha:Ice-cream? So Nina is not always the hungry one?
Boris:Just tell me where it is. I have a meeting.
Misha:What a funny place for a business meeting! Look, here comes Tamara also!
Tamara:You must be missing our beautiful parks in Kiev, Boris. So many tourists here today!
Boris:I'm not a tourist. I'm a business man!
Misha:Of course! With important meeting at ice-cream kiosk! Over there by the septic tank.
Boris:Goodbye. (Shouting to Nina). Enjoy your sandwich!
Misha and Tamara:Goodbye! Enjoy your meeting!

So what will Boris be up to now? Pretending to have business meetings while his bag is still missing! How could he explain all this to Valya in Kiev?

Scene 22
Fitness and Cement
Fitness and Cement - Russian style

Boris (to himself):What an interesting girl. I must tell Vanya all about it when I have made my way by feet to the Hotel Chossy. Time to pack my suitcase for return to beautiful Kiev! Aaaahh. Here is the Big Theatre. (walks up to Information Desk.) Please, Girl, what is on today on the Marvellous (historic) Main Stage?
Girl at Big Theatre:Mussorgsky "Boris Godunov" (opera in 4 acts). Production by Alexander Sokurov.
Boris:Now there's a thing! My name is also Boris! When do you finish work?
Girl at Big Theatre:Go away. Tourist tickets are for sale over there.
Boris:I'm not a tourist, I'm a business man. (to himself) Boris Godunov! What a marvellous opera! But I have a plane to catch. I wonder if Vanya has found my bag...
Administrator:Are you forty-seven!
Boris:Oh No! Where is my missing bag? I must soon leave for Sheremetyevo Airport.
Administrator:Ask Vanya. Do you need postcards?
Vanya:Aaah! At the Hotel Chossy we have wonderful postcards of Moscow which all tourists like to send...
Boris:I'm not a tourist. I'm a business man! Where is my bag?
Vanya:I will look while you get your postcards.
Boris:Please. I would like these four postcards. And two stamps.
Administrator:Good. Now pack your bags for return trip.

OK. So why four postcards and only two stamps again? And why think about sending postcards now when you're about to go home to beautiful Kiev? Let's see what's going on at the airport.

Scene 23
Sheremetyevo Airport, Moscow - The Check-In Desk of Ukrainian International Airlines
Collecting bags at Sheremetyevo

Boris:Hello, please. Boris Petrovich Maiski reporting for flight to beautiful Kiev!
UIA Official:Not possible. Wrong airport. Kiev flight leaves from Domodedovo airport.
Boris:Well, there's a thing. How can that be? I arrived at this airport by use of AEROFLOT.
UIA Official:Airline AEROFLOT not this airline. We fly to Ukraine capital Kiev with all its beautiful parks, squares, fountains, museums, theatres, cafes, restaurants, I could go on... Many tourists make this mistake...
Boris:I'm not a tourist, I'm a business man. Representative of company 'YEETSA'. This is my briefcase.
UIA Official:Briefcase very nice. Was it a present? Now leave this desk and go to other Moscow airport.
Boris:Taxi or bus. Not possible by feet?
UIA Official:Ask at Information Desk... (Boris picks up his luggage and walks off)
Girl at Information Desk:I'm very glad to help tourist visiting our beautiful Moscow!
Boris:I'm not a tourist. I'm a business man! To where Domodedovo airport?

What do you do when you finish work?
Girl at Information Desk:Domodedovo airport not far by taxi. Find driver at taxi rank. Or take 'express' bus or train. After work I am playing guitar with friends. Goodbye.

In part one of this saga we were under the impression that Boris Petrovich Maiski arrived at Moscow's Sheremetyevo airport on an AEROFLOT flight. Not possible - according to the official. One mystery after another!

Scene 24
Domodedovo - another Moscow airport
Another miracle of Russian engineering - the inter-airport express

Boris has hopefully made to the right airport for his trip home. Surely nothing can go wrong now?

Boris:Hello, please. Boris Petrovich Maiski reporting for flight to beautiful Kiev! Is this correct airport?
Airline Official:As any fool knows, flights from the Ukraine operated by UIA from Boryspil land at Domodedovo Airport. Put bags on scales.
Boris:I have just one suitcase. Another bag was lost by Vanya at Hotel Chossy.
Airline Official:What is in briefcase?
Boris:Briefcase has business documents and an Irish Face Flannel. I'm not a tourist, I'm a business man.
Airline Official:Thank you. You have a message, Mr. Maiski. Pick up that telephone and say "I'm listening".
Boris (picks up):I'm listening. (hears voice of Misha).
Misha:Boris Petrovich Maiski. How can you return to beautiful Kiev without saying goodbye?
Boris:Now there's a thing. How could I have forgotten?
Misha:I have message from Hotel Chossy! You're bag has been found!

Vanya discovered it in hotel shower room under bottom of 'woman in shower room'!
Boris:I'm going to plane! Too late for missing bag!
Airline Official (interrupting):Plane to Kiev delayed. Engine has dropped off wing. Welders are fixing.
Boris:Misha... get the bag and bring to airport, bring Nina, bring Tamara, bring Mama, bring lunch... bring anyone to say goodbye!
Airline Official:Goodbye.

Scene 25
Domodedovo Moscow - Near Departure Lounge
Lavatory for fat people only

Business man
Passport Control

Misha, Tamara, Nina, Misha's Mama, Vanya, Administrator:Goodbye Boris.
Boris:Goodbye. See you all in Kiev!
Boris (to himself):One last passport control check in Moscow...
Passport Controller:You are Boris Petrovich Maiski?
Boris:Indeed I am.
Passport Controller:Are you sure you're not a tourist... Meester Smit?
Boris:I'm not a tourist, I'm a business man.
Passport Controller (turning to another official):Is this the man?
Another Official:That is the man. Claimed to be English tourist at football match.
Various Girls:That is the man. Always suggesting inappropriate liaisons!
Another Official:Arrest the tourist!
Boris:I'm not a tourist. I'm a business man!

Scene 26
A Room In Kiev
Beautiful Kiev...
Luxury Apartment Block in Kiev

Boris (rousing from slumber):...where is my bag... I'm not a tourist... I'm a business man... where am I?
Valya:What are you saying, Boris...
Boris:Aaahhh. So this is Kiev (Stands and looks out of the window... sighs...) Just look at the wonderful parks, theatres, museums and restaurants... so I am not to be imprisoned... so it was all a dream! I didn't go back to Moscow... I didn't see Misha... what happened at the ice-cream kiosk was a dream too!
Valya:Just a silly dream, Boris Petrovich Maiski. I will bring you Chai Slimonam to drink. Why don't you read that copy of the magazine 'England' while you're waiting?
Boris:Magazine, where?
Valya:There. Sticking out of your bag!
Boris:But Valya. That is not my bag! Where did you find that bag?
Valya:...how strange. It looks like your bag (rummages inside - extracts some underpants, postcards and stamps) - these postcards are signed by 'Gecc Workman'. Who is Gecc Workman?
Boris:Who can solve the puzzle...
(enter two strangers)
Boris:...it cannot be...?
Foglas & Damp??

...or not?


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