The Personal Column

Do you have a personality problem? Do toads laugh at you when you go to the toilet? Do you sometimes disgrace yourself in public? Yes? Then contact: Save A Vole, then we can all have a jolly good laugh.

Thluck Snetterton, the world's greatest exponent of Irish-Sudanese Tog Seventy-Two-One, seeks new partner. No sloths, two-toed or otherwise.

Eric and Pilaf Sweng available for tap-dancing and tricky manoeuvres. Send s.a.e. to Angola.

'Snowy' Bland contact 'Tiger' Howland. Your dinner is getting cold.

Come to Smegg's for the latest in Tactile Russian Socks. Sorry, none for Ivan.

Chinese Restaurant seeks new poodle.

Do you enjoy climbing, running, canoeing and generally using up lots of energy on futile pastimes? Then you'd love Bill Smurthwaite's Keep Fit Camp! Write to: Grannie Buttocks, 2 The Gonads, Loftsen Islands, Norway. Boy Scouts welcome. Bum mufflers obligatory.

Kaleyard School Writers for translations from Serbo-Goat into Hebrew. Extra charge for Irish-Sudanese into Sudanese-Irish. Special rates for sufferers of Graves' disease.

Ex-Navy Thermo-Nuclear underwear. Ideal for cold winter days and Third-World dictators.

Will the man at 27 Naff Lane please stop closing his gate.

Spanja-drinking competition to be held in Slag Elsie, Sweden next month. Free polsers for waltzers and pennant carriers.

Ageing hippie, into Lobsang Rampa, Zeppelin and Cheese, seeks freaky chick to get it together and find Nirvana with.

Several back-issues of "Gay Bum" available from Quentin Limp at any price you care to mention.

Courses in brick-disguising, bear-baiting and doing rude things with other people's wives now available at: The University of Lower Education, Braintree, Essex.

The Braby Twins wish to announce their forthcoming marriage to a pantomime horse and several buckets.

Lessons given in crass, trite and brailled film reviewing by ex-member of Time Out staff. Write to: Chris Pathetic, 8½ Watershed Lane, North Juxtaposition, Workman-Like, London S.W.42.






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