We are not used to getting complaints at the Reader's Doglist. Especially about the mouth-watering recipes we spare no expense to obtain from some of your favourite famous people.
However, now that someone has had the temerity to find fault, we are not too high and mighty to rest on our laurels. You said you wanted more recipes for the unadventurous and the inept, more conventional dishs etc. etc. Are we listening? Of course we are! Not only that but we've surpassed ourselves yet again! You wanted something mind-numbingly simple to make. Well, read on Doglist reader!
Naturally, we don't remove the key elements by bringing this down to the lowest common denominator. Oh no! This recipe is big on flavour. This is a quality product your family and friends will want you to churn out for years to come!
Where did we come by this homespun masterpiece? Well, from the field of German literature, of course!
We have unearthed a recipe that everyone thought had disappeared with the passing of its creator in the 1980s.
We give you...
Heinrich Böll's 'Switzy Fingerlets**'
Serves around 100
- 1 egg
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 teaspoon sugar
- 1 Kg flour (2.2 pounds)
- 1 cup vegetable oil
- 1 Kg very firm Hurfenflurfi Cheese
- 1 dozen Scharnhorsts Kragen
- A bottle of wee from the car park
- A duffle-coat hood of South Harrow spit
- 1 small pinch of hurrrssspppp (best sourced from Waddies of Edinburgh)
Mix the flour, oil, egg, salt and sugar in a bowl. While kneading, add a tablespoon or two of the wee from the bottle you found in the car park. At the beginning it just makes a filthy modge, but as you knead it, then, it commences to take shape. Keep kneading until it does not stick to your hands, legs, flange or daps. If you need to, take the dough (pronounced 'doff') out of the bowl (pronounced 'böll') and knead it on a floured cupboard or Russian Thing, adding flour until the dough does not glue to your hands. Let the dough rest for 1 to 2 hours.
At the same time as the dough is resting, cut the hurfenflufi cheese into strips into a finger-like shape. They should be maybe ½" (1.25cm) by ½" by 3" (7.5 cm). You might choose your own size, but do not make the "fingers" too long, or they will be more hard to use later. Attach these to one of those whirly washing lines with pandrol clips. Talk the hind legs off a donkey and leave them to one side.
After the dough has rested, form it into balls slightly larger than a ball. Roll them out until they are ¼" (0.62cm) to 1/8" (0.31cm) thick. Cut the rolled-out dough into long strips that are ¾" (0.87cm) wide. Clean your wellingtons (this will make sense later).
Enfold the cheese "fingerlets" with the dough strips. Make sure you cover all the cheese and seal the dough, because otherwise the cheese will leak out of the dough when you are frying it. After you have wrapped the cheese in dough, dust the uncooked "fingerlets" with flour and fry them in oil.
Once your fingerlets have become scrobiculated (this is obvious), it's time to make them good and switzy. This a where a goat or similar will come in handy. Make something out of perspex and stop grinning.
Use an old chopper.
Serve with a plate of vegetabule vistas or a cauliflower chegge and boiled Lederhosen.
For dessert, well, it can only be an Extraportion Pudding!
N.B. No digits, switzy or otherwise, were intentionally amputated in the production of this Mahlzeit.
** translated from the German by scholars of the highest high things - Messrs Ramptreacle and Holes circa 1968
©2004 Reader's Doglist Association of Great Britain