Celebrity Chefettes

The Reader's Doglist Association Of Great Britain is proud to endorse anything to do with food. Hence our distinguished record of championationing a whole gamut of celebrity chefettes. Now we have spared no expense to gather together some of your favourite TV personality chefs to make a regular selectionette from the recipes of the young pretenders of chefdom. Let's us present our star-studded panel:-

Harry Lobes

Aimless Harricot

Huge Firmly-Willysmall

Ken Moan

Woluld Thumbs-Up

Dahlia Smiff

Gormless Pansy

Grimy Olive

Soapy Grimsod

Madge Jaffa-Legs

Lick Slime

Nailgun Awful

Impressive n'est-ce pas!!

...and our panel's recommendation this time is...

Lettuce Swesch's 'LETTUCE SWESCH'

Lettuce Swesch
Lettuce Swesch is a newcomer to these shores but has not forgotten how to conjure up something special to remind him of his homeland. Aaaahhhhh! The humble lettuce! It's crisp, green leaves are the very essence of summer! Our own Tap Grind, as any fool knows, waxes lyrical about eating 'salids' and Swesch is similarly minded. But it's the swesch that puts the swesch into Lettuce Swesch's 'Lettuce Swesch'!

Lettuce Swesch's 'LETTUCE SWESCH'

Serves around 83

  • 1 'Tropo' Lettuce
  • A large pair of Microsocks™ and Huh-working Bewts
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon sugar
  • 1 Kg flour (2.2 pounds)
  • 1 cup Serbian 'Nit'
  • 1 Kg very firm Hurfenflurfi Cheese
  • The Israeli contribution to world cricket
    (the cricket box full of Israeli biscuits)
  • 1 hé-hee-holas-l&agrace;-bas
  • For the Swesch :-
    • A small ball of Ghee (de Maupassant)
    • A large pinch of hurrrrrrssssssppppp (to taste)
    • 1 doz 'Scrofula' wedges (best sourced from Waddies of Edinburgh)

Un-swesched lettuce

Finest organic Swesch


1. Lettuce
Tropo lettuce is flavoursome but somewhat chewy. Ensure that it is hacked into small mouth-sized chunks or expensive dental work will be an inevitable consequence. The prefaired Swesch method is to shoehorn the lettuce into the pair of Microsocks™, place these somewhere safe out of the sight of young children, replace your footwear with a large pair of size 12 heavy-duty 'Huh-Working Bewts' - then stomp on the Microsocks™ savagely, screaming vile blood-curdling oaths, gnashing teeth and foaming at the mouth. Do not be fooled by any plaintiff wails emitted by the Tropo lettuce from within the Microsocks™. Tropo lettuce is well known for such a pitiful attempt to avoid its natural fate and you don't want to be known as 'the chump who is soft on lettuce'. When the deed is done, extrude the pummelled green goo from the Microsocks™ onto a large serving platter and sprinkle on the dry ingredients. Don't forget to take the Israeli biscuits out of the cricket-box before serving. Lettuce says that people have served the complete thing as a 'little joke' - but it's not funny and we're not laughing. One word of warning - 'bulge'.
2. Swesch
Swesch, properly assembled, has all the piquancy of old Eastern Europe in that bygone age when all the clean fresh air was replaced by the sweet thick fog emitted from cohorts of Trabants. This is hearty food, needing a strong stomach and flamed veal kidneys. Not recommended for nancy boys.
Serving suggestionette
Lettuce suggests a side plate piled high with Mammoth Cleanser Wraps is just perfect.

The Reader's Doglist Chefette Panel report that dipping these wraps in the swesch produces a surprising chemical reaction. After eating ensure that you are, at all times, within comfortable travelling distance of a suitable lavatory.


©2005 Reader's Doglist Association of Great Britain