Witty essayist, raconteur and snorkel Cake Smith hates cooking. Gasp! It's true! After a hard day, Cake likes nothing better than a mammoth serving of E Balawi. Here's the recipe he gives to anybody willing to prepare it for him:

Cake Smith's E Balawi

Serves 2-4

Cake Smiths E Balawi. Nice.

  • 150g fish-waste
  • 500g good-quality Etruscan cheese biscuits
  • 150g assorted giblets
  • 150g gherkins
  • a large bucket of alfalfa
  • a quart of horseradish (best sourced from Waddies of Edinburgh)

Put the sugar in a Les Morris saucepan and add just enough water to cover it. Bring to the boil, then watch it while it bubbles. Concentrate! Don't stir it, which would make it taste absolutely terrible; just leave it alone until the mixture has the consistency of an expensive gabardine Mac from 'Dobbins and Xah'.

Lob in the rest of ingredients from a great height and prepare for gooreadiness. As soon as the burgoo turns black and starts to smoke, pour it carefully (it may splutter) into an ovenproof dish, about 1.5 litres capacity. Leave for a few minutes to fester.

Pour the lumpy mess into a large trough and garnish with a large cricket-box of Israeli biscuits.

Get it down yer! Eat with the Army!


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