We at The Reader's Doglist Association of Great Britain have a thing about Russian things! As the famous quotation by Baz Davies goes, "But Lambbb, I'm in the thinggggg!" We have spared no expense to scour some corners of the globule to discover people happily co-existing with all manner of things of undoubted Russian quality... and trust us, at the Reader's Doglist, we know all about quality!

Hans & Lotte Hass show off their Russian Sputnik digitable cameras! Loaded with technology, these babies boast almost one smegapixule!!! Hans says 'this is a lightweight marvel and takes wonderful snaps and the carefully designed, steel-reinforced lanyard guarantees no uncomfortable chafing with the wedding tackle'.
No wonder Boris is smirking - look at his natty Smorsk mobule telephone! A veritabule, pocket-sized marvel!
Uncle Vanya can't wait to shove his rubles in this modern Borscht vending machine. Silly old Vanya always ends up staining his cap! Get a red one next time, you old duffer!
A neat little Boila Boych fruit-knife - essential for those summer picnics! Occasional loss of digits/limbs possible - not suitable for vegetarians.

Butlins - Sunny Bay & Barf Resort, Dyengi, Russia. Excited holidaymakers gather in their droves to experience all the fun at the 'Social Club Hoss'.

Get your motor running, Ivan! This little number will attract the girls! No wonder he's smiling! He's driving a sleek Gipopotam GT limousine with twin overhead smegshafts. Burn rubber, Ivan!

These girls love their genuine, simulated leatherette red handle! Hours of fun. Comes with many positions. What did they do with their evenings before they had one?
Misha and friends gather at the dacha to admire his new Guppi plastic bowl. Just right for a bit of slopping out!
Nina Gagarina deftly manipulates this miraculous Plorshadz right-angled, water-dispensing pipe. No, your eyes do not deceive you! This Russian wonder uses hovercraft technology to float above your own choice of tea-brewing receptacle. How did Nina acquire those genuine replica 'Inter-City Cup Winners Trophy Vase and Snorkel' cups?
Just another day at the Gorky Park recycling centre. The armed guards ensure none of your valuable waste falls into the wrong hands. No trade waste, please.
Misha Kuznetzov, style guru, man-about-town and snorkel, models the latest in mobile music technology. The entirely hands-free, Marojonaya MP3 player is virtually invisible to the naked eye! 'Pump up the wolume and get on down, you swaped toad', he exclaims, demonstrating his grasp of this modern jive talk.

There are times when even the most hardened of Russkies put their jeroboams of vodka to one side and go for a bit of healthy honest chai slimonim. The Popastch Automatic Teas-made always does the job with style. Fill the reservoir with the usual blend of strong Irkutsk tea leaves blended with sun-dried potato, attach yourself to some dodgy wiring, and hey presto. Electrolysis and highly charged arcing does the rest. It's tea with zing, ping and thing. Leonid Medvyedge is so attached to his teas-made, that he's become, well... attached to it. Both hands are permanently welded to the appliance. His wife Misha (see third hand) does the honours by refilling it. She says: "Ya liooblioo teas-made. Not only make smashing tea; also stop Leonid from smacking me round head". Good, proletarian and utilitarian values we think.
Russian wardrobes used to be notoriously dark. Probably because of their traditional use as hiding places for bootlegged vodka, potatoes, dissidents and Boris Yeltsin. But now we've had perestroika, glasnostch and smirkm snarkm, they can be illuminated in all their glory. What better way to adorn those murky recesses than with the simple installation of the Onegin Illumitron. You'll never be fumbling around for your shahputchka with one of these... and what's more, they're guaranteed to drive the vermin out of your fur hats.

No out of town dacha woluld be complete without the "Scurieyeye" Wild Mushroom Gatherer. Whilst in the country, every Russian loves to gather mushrooms in the early morning. It's a great pastime, and sets him up for the rest of the day when he drinks himself into a stupor. The "Scurieyeye Mark II" even has a special attachment for grubbing up potatoes, or any other root vegetable for that matter. Let babooshka get her hands on it, and she'll have those beetroots out of the ground before you can say "". Lots of borshch to sober up on, followed by a gargantuan mushroom salad. Life is sweet if you have a Scurieyeye.
Every Russian worth his salt-mine aspires to owning a Kneegy Smoothie Maker. This robust appliance is just right for liquidising those root vegetables into a nourishing smoothie. It's solid Russian quality all the way. The industrial standard blades are perfect for mashing up those tough old swedes, turnips, mangle worzels and potatoes freshly hacked out of the permafrost. It can double up as a garden shredder, cement mixer and destroyer of incriminating political evidence. But Grusha here is just content to wait for that delicious beetroot smoothie to come slopping out of the stylish copper tap.

Acne? Subcutaneous pustules? Recalcitrant blackheads? Pox? No need for any Russian to suffer these maladies if he has an Otdukhnula Facial Sauna at his disposal. Here you can see Natalia Abaschwili getting ready to soften her boils. The woodchip burner and water reservoir is ready to go and Natalia will soon experience the searing steam scouring out those clotted pores. And no need just to use it at home. With its discretely stylish appearance you can wear it on the trolley bus or whilst shopping in GUM or anywhere. Like the mobule phone, the Otdukhnula has become a fashion accessory in its own right.
The Rasputin Treddle is one of those all purpose Russian things that serves a multitude of functions. For scarifying a stale beard, press t with a well furred boot whilst pressing knees against A and B. Allow m to revolve freely. Ensure n is well lubricated with pork fat, and press beard against c, allowing the paddles to whip through the beard vigorously. Collect falling debris, scurf, dandruff, scabs and potato peelings in the carefully placed barrel. Sprinkle on borshch.


©2008 The Reader's Doglist Association of Great Britain