We, at the Reader's Doglist Association of Great Britain, know that all you avid readers out there love watching telly. For this reason, we have spared no expense to bring you highlights of the new telly season as reviewed by none other than media critic par excellance - Broadwoodwidger Polyphant. Hurrah! With no further a dog-do and a minimum of guff and piffle, over to you Broadwoodwidger!

by Broadwoodwidger Polyphant

B'wood'ger Polyphant

Polyphant's Picks for the New Season are some stonkers. Let me whet your appetites! I've covered programmes on all channels - terrestrial and digitabule. There's no excuse for missing good telly. The old favourite "I think there must have been something better on ITV" just won't wash!!

1. Critter Watch

with Odd Billie and Hake Crumble

Everyone loves watching a whole bunch of critters doing their natural thing in the wild! Odd and Hake set up camp in a copse near Ventongimps to observe it all going on, interpret what is going on for all the cloth-caps out there and generally be amazed at the spectacle of wild animals eating each other while all you viewers are having your tea. Lovely!

Odd Billie & Hake Crumble

Critters to watch
Cloth caps

Weekday evenings starting soon on .

2. Strictly No Parking

A bunch of celebrity amateurs attempt some tricky parking man-oeuvres with professional co-drivers. Each week the teams tackle a new parking challenge and each week one team is eliminated from the competition by a panel of expert judges famed for their expertise in the glamorous world of parking.... The show is introduced by Force Brusyth and Less Datey on Saturday nights for weeks and weeks on end!

Less & Force
Panel of expert judges
Parking venues

Special guest parker Mavis Swegg


3. The Non-PC Show

Returns for another rousing season... they've done midgets, they've done faggots... Who will be next for non-PC scrutiny?

The season starts with an investigation into... Cauliflowers!

Cauliflowers! Too much sherry takes it toll - time to run for cover!

The Non-PC Show is presented by an obese eight-foot blonde transvestite
and a young dark gentleman with no shirt.
See it on Fridays at 20:00 on

4. The E.G.G.S. Factor

A talent show for former pupils of Eliots Green Grammar School... some might say there's limited audience appeal here but we're sure you'll soon be riveted by extraordinary performances - such as Mark Wood in a scout cap, Hen Man's electrocute-a-teacher routine, Peter Lamb's antics in the chapel and excerpts from the Waldegrave House Play.

To start the series off my highlight is Chris Howe ('Clin d'Oeil') reprising his calligraphic masterpiece transposing the title of his geography text book from 'North America' to 'Snot Eric'.

Fortescue 'Fifteen' Nodlese
heads for the EGGS Gym

Catch up with all the fun on - Sundays only in Northolt
(special showings on the site of the old Swimarama).

5. EndtoEnders

A new twist on the favourite TV Soap. In this show some chummy cockneys spend all their time cycling from Land's End to John O'Groats!

Chummy Cockneys

Get on your Dams and Dykes and have a nice ride under the old currant bun! Rur-rur-rur-rur!
Tuesdays and Thursdays on .

6. Gnus At Ten/Have I Got Gnus For You

Following the trend of mixing the erudite, avuncular news-reader with a glamorous bit of fluff, Gnus at Ten (first with the gnus, first with the fish!) will be presented by:-

Carole Donut & Bert Wobb

...and in, what he French would call, a 'double whammy', Carole and Bert will also host a weekly quiz about artiodactyla in general with a penchant for wildebeest in particular.

Only on .

7. I'm a non-entity, get me out of here

Each week of this series someone is plucked from obscurity to be subjected to fifteen minutes of fame before being returned to his/her rightful place. The series starts with a painful attempt by local government officer Arthur Drabb to portray his all-time hero Mr. Pastry.

Mr. Pastry

Arthur Drabb

Fridays on the channel.

8. One Man And His Dog-Do

One of two new and exciting series concentrating on aspects of dog-do in the twenty-first century. 'One Man And His Dog-do' follows people from every walk of life and discovers how their routine is challenged, changed and ultimately improved by their relationship with something which many have, until now, seen as 'just some mess on the street'.

9. Watch Dog-Do

...and on a lighter note, David Jacobs and Biddy Baxter host this new show which champions consumers in their daily struggles with bureaucracy in all areas of dog movements.

Keep up with Dog-do on the channel.

10. The 3-2-1 and NOT in the Ted Rogers sense

A sort of quiz show hosted by Dusty 'Bin' Laden (irritating catch phrase 'Bin there, done that').

Participants have to solve the clues in order to keep the star prize (invariably a weekend break at the Barf Bed & Breakfast) but eliminate the booby prize, a genuine replica Food Desk replete with assorted waste food - especially old fish and mammoth cleanser.

Each week Dusty will have a word-of-the-week which he will use as often as possibule. I have it on good authority that for the first show the 3-2-1 word of the week is STIRRUPS.

The best quiz shows are on the channel.

11. Pigs 2nd Edition

Back by popular demand, this show needs no introduction!
Introduced by none other than Legson Kayira!

Shown Tuesdays at 21:48 (incl p & p) on the channel.

12. Fly Tipping With J.R. Phartley

An enthralling view of the arcane world of the flytipper. J.R. scours the land from West Teeth to Royston for the finest examples. A must for all who enjoyed his last series 'In Search Of The Lost Bottle Of Wee'.

Tuesdays on .

13. Les Morris And His World Of Saucepans

As any fool knows, you cannot separate a man from his saucepans.
Essential viewing. Midnight on Tuesdays on the .


©2008 The Reader's Doglist Association of Great Britain